When I Dream...

Yesterday I began a book that I had purchased awhile back, but hadn’t made time for. I knew I would be in the car alone and I thought - “OK today I’m starting that audiobook”. It’s a fairly short book and I was able to get to chapter 10. But as I pondered over some of the things, I found myself really thinking about a discussion in chapter 8. The book is You are a Badass by Jen Sincero. She says to “Follow Your Fantasies…What do you fantasize about when you stare out the window or before you fall asleep at night?…Tap into what brings you great joy.”

Even as I heard her read the words, the picture popped into my mind. It is the same picture I see every time I think about what I really want. It was me walking in a beautiful field of grass with a few wildflowers mingled about. I am zoomed in and can see myself from about knee to shoulder. The grass is about mid-thigh. My arms are soft and comfortable - bent at the elbow and holding a piece of grass in my hands. I am not afraid. I am not worried about the snakes or other creatures that might reside there. I am effortlessly and slowly walking. There is a soft and calm breeze. I am not hot or cold. I am alone looking across a field toward my home. I feel complete calm and joy in that very moment.

I am not observing it from a window, I am in the field. It is for me complete freedom and joy to be present in my life. I am not in a gallery with my art behind me. Or with a large group of adoring people. Oddly on the contrary - when I put myself in those situations my heart begins to race and I immediately feel uncomfortable. I want to be aware of the joy and nature around me. I want my home, my space, to be a place of refuge from the outside world. I want it to be old and big and warm. I want it to be filled with beautiful art and books and happy people. I want children running about. And I want quiet peace. I really enjoy quiet stillness. I crave quiet stillness. Perhaps that’s why I’m in the field.

That doesn’t mean I don’t want to be an artist or make a living selling my art, because I do! I really do. But I know it means I want it on my terms. I want to be successful by the way I measure success - and that for me isn’t relying on others praise or acceptance. I know that will never bring me lasting joy. It will make me feel good and feel validated that I can do this, but it will crash down when things don’t sell or isn’t appreciated for it’s simplistic beauty. And that will happen. That does happen. I, in a pursuit to be open and vulnerable, have allowed myself to care very much what others think of me, more so than listening to my inner voice. More so than I ever have in my life. I don’t like it. It leaves me feeling as though I don’t fit anywhere. But of course I fit, I fit in my own story. In my own skin. I am kind. I am smart. I am important. (Thank you Aibileen, The Help.) And I am a talented artist.

I want to share my art; for it to be seen, loved, and purchased - but the fact that I am always in the field is important.

That is my fantasy or my dream or better yet, my life. I am ready to start living.